Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
