I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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