Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
