Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
