I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
