I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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