the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
