i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
