I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i think i just lost a toe
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize