I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
