I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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