Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
