I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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