The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
