does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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