he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
