hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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