all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
