I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
