ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
