After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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