i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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