It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
