I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
