She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
