For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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