I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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