I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
