he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
