she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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