I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
