Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
