Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
