Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
