my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
