Where did you get a picture of my penis
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
