Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
