What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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