I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
