ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
