Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
