Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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