Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
