mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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