god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
