wrigley field is MILF paradise
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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