I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
