Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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