How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My hand turned me down
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
