the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
