I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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