After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
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