Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
