i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
