That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
