I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
