You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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