I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
