I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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