hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
