Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
