Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
