Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
