omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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