Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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