I faked an abortion last night.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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