I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
as a side note pls kill me
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
A bitchslap is in order.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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