I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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